The Dursleys Dismayed
by Kaylan Vasters
Summary: Harry is back in Privet Drive after his third year and decided that it was about time he had some fun at the place. WARNING: You may die of laughter. *One-shot* *Re-written*
1. The Dursleys Dismayed

**A/N: My First Harry Potter fic! Hope you enjoy it!**

* * *

**The Dursleys Dismayed**

* * *

Vernon Dursley sat back on the couch with a heavy exhale that ruffled his mustache. He flapped the paper open and started to read without taking in the words. As his eyes went down the paper his mind travelled back to his nephew upstairs who was back for summer_._

Since the time his nephew had comeback from his mad house of a school for the third time, he has been acting weird. He didn't know if the _magical lot _get cracked up after reaching a certain age, but after seeing the giant man in the island three years ago and the boy saying that the mad mass murderer that he saw on the TV was his god-father. He was pretty sure that they all get cracked up after reaching a certain age. He decided to talk to Petunia about finally kicking the boy out of the house.

Seriously though, the boy was acting _really _weird. During dinner he'd turn to the empty seat beside him and say, "How are you today, Fred?" (Thankfully a voice didn't answer "I'm fine, Harry. How about you?). Vernon had turned red and exchanged a look with Petunia but said nothing. Harry continued to converse with his new friend.

Once, after they had tea, Harry would snatch their tea cups and look into them deeply and say. "Your fate is written in the very depths of this tea cups…would you like to know the very secrets of your dull and boring life?" He asked mysteriously.

Petunia gasped.

"I'll take that as a yes."

He peered into them, uttered a few incantations. (Dudley ran out of the room screaming. Vernon yelled "BOY!" Petunia looked like she was about to faint.) Harry closed his eyes and spoke in a mysterious way." I see…I see…I see three figures, two fat, one thin, all very bad tempered." He paused dramatically. "These people are the key to save the wizarding world. They will be handsomely rewarded by the wizard king after they slay the evil dragon." (Petunia fainted.)

The next day Vernon woke up to see the whole house filled with balloons with 'Aunt Marge' written on them. Vernon turned purple in the face had shouted at the boy so hard that the roof seemed to rattle. He instantly shut up when Harry pulled out his wand and picked his fingernails with it. He innocently turned to him and said. "You were saying…?"

On Dudley's birthday Harry had gave him a small, wrapped up present that looked very suspicious indeed. (Dudley had Piers Polkiss open it for him.) It turned out to be a list of names titled 'Dudley's new nicknames' Harry snatched it from Piers and started to read it out loud.

"Dumpy Dumbkiss…Doodly Dudkins…Dimply Diddy…"

The people at the party started to laugh. Vernon tried (and failed) to laugh with them, but managed a smile that looked very painful and not like a smile at all.

"Drooly Dolly…Dumby Dumbledore…"

Petunia closed her eyes and wished that she was invisible.

"Ickle Dumblykins…Dummy Dusdley…"

He went on for two hours even after all the people in the party left (clutching the stomachs as they laughed). That night Vernon had nightmares where the letter 'D' haunted him.

The worst of it all was when Harry held a 'family meeting' (He conveyed his godfather's apologies for not being able to attend) where he was trying to convince them (for a good three hours) that the best way to avoid financial ruin was to transfer all of their funds to the Wizarding bank: Gringotts. After vernon called the boy mad (repeatedly) and refused, Harry looked at him sadly and said that he was being very 'Dursleyish'.

That night Vernon dreamed that he was being 'Dursleyish'.

After that, one day Harry during dinner had said that he wrote an essay for school homework and wanted their opinion. Before Vernon could say anything harry thrust a heavy bundle of parchment into his hands. It was titled 'Why it sucks to be a muggle.' When Vernon refused (rather loudly), Harry had offered to read it out for him.

It was 2 a.m. by the time he finally stepped into the bedroom and fell onto his bed (He was forced to grade the paper 'O', whatever that meant.) That night Vernon had dreamed he was a Wizard.

On a Saturday when they were watching a football game, Harry yawned pointedly at every goal that was scored and said. "Bo-ring!" Later he went into detail about a game in the wizarding world called Quidditch where it is played in air, with the players riding on broomsticks.

Vernon pulled his hair as he heard Dudley "Ooh." and "Aah." as Harry explained in detail every moves and feints that every quidditch player has ever pulled.

"So, let me get this straight…" Dudley said as he examined the Firebolt that harry brought down from his room. Behind him Vernon and Petunia exchanged a dark look. "Catching the snitch gives you one hundred and fifty points?"

Harry nodded proudly.

"And _you_ catch the snitch?"

Nod.

Dudley looked longingly at the Firebolt and turned to Vernon with a very familiar look.

"NO DUDLEY! I WILL NOT BUY YOU A RUDDY BROOMSTICK FOR CHRISTMAS!"

That night Harry secretly lent Dudley '_Quidditch through the ages' _while Vernon had a nightmare where he was being whacked with broomsticks by Harry and Dudley.

The next day the bathroom door refused to open. "Password!?" It squeaked.

Vernon felt like bursting into tears, but that seemed a bit unmanly. "HAAARRRRYYY!" He roared.

"Vernon." Petunina whimpered that afternoon, as she stepped into the kitchen ("Password?", "I am a ruddy witch.") "This is getting out of hand."

Vernon snorted gruffly and went back to reading the newspaper. He blinked as he realized that the pictures were moving. Vernon's dangerous face emerged as he lowered the copy of _The Daily Prophet_. "HARRY POTTER!"

Now, back in the present, Vernon checked the newspaper that he was currently holding for any moving pictures, thankfully there weren't any. As he leaned back on the couch, the front door opened and Harry stepped in, spotting Vernon, he beamed and walked towards him.

Vernon's heart raced as Harry approached, he was clutching something in his hand.

"Choclate frog?" Harry offered.

Vernon peered suspiciously into the case where inside was a – chocolate frog...

It suddenly wriggled! Vernon didn't flinch, he was half-expecting it.

"No thanks." Vernon growled as politely as he could.

Harry simply shrugged and walked towards the stairs to his room. Vernon's beady eyes followed him.

A minute later, standing up and stretching Vernon made his way into the kitchen.

"Pass-?"

"I'm a ruddy witch." Vernon said, automatically.

The door opened.

Vernon stepped in and walked towards the refrigerator. He opened the door and suddenly froze in shock.

Dudley stepped out from the fridge wearing Harry's school robes and a pointy hat. He held out a wand. "Hey! Check this out, dad! I can do magic!"

A jet of white light shot from the wand to Vernon's face. He blinked. It took him a second to realize that his mustache disappeared.

Vernon fainted.

* * *

Harry entered his room to see Fred Weasley lying on his bed. George was leaning casually on his chair.

"So? Do you think they'll send you to watch the Quidditch World Cup with us?" Fred asked grinning.

Harry grinned as he tossed him the chocolate frog. "Oh, I'm pretty sure. I'm just worried that Dudley might want to come with us too…"

George laughed. "Harry…Harry…Harry…you really do know how to spoil a kid."

"HARRY POTTER!"

"What did you do this time?" Fred asked, half laughing.

Harry looked thoughtful. "Must be the boggart you lent me."

* * *

**~ THE END ~**

* * *

**A/N:**

** Here you go! Glad you enjoyed it!**

**One more thing...**

**Review! REVIEW LIKE HELL!*pant***

**Yours,**

**Kaylan**


	2. Not a chapter

**NOT A CHAPTER**

Hi!

I am thinking about continuing this story and I really am running out of ideas...

If you guys get any more awesome and crazy ideas for Harry and the twins to harrass the Dursleys, please be sure to let me know!

Yours

Kaylan


End file.
